....it's been tense....(3)

So, I didn't have intercourse, I didnt' have oral sex.... so what is left.....

But, before I get to that.....

If confession really is good for the soul, is it also good for the relationship?  I've said here, and on other blogs, that I believe that confessing to my indiscretions was a horrible miscalculation in my marriage, a huge mistake.  They were over 5 years ago, were relatively minor on the sexual scale, and all of the women involved are gone from my life.  And by gone, I mean gone, 2 moved out of state, one I can't find, and one is still in my home town but in a relationship that precludes her from doing anything either in pursuit of me, or in retribution.  Plus, I haven't talked to the two most important women since we were last together, 12 years for one, 5 years for the other.  They are over, done, and except for a few of WONDERFUL on-line friendships, I've been a very good boy.

I no longer believe that confession to a spouse is a good idea if the relationships are over.  By over, I mean done for a long time.  If there are current relationships outside the marriage that need to be dealt with, maybe that becomes part of the discussion.  For me, my continued attraction to porn is an issue because it is a current problem between us, a catalyst to issues now.  The fact that I fell in love with another woman 12 year ago isn't an issue today.  I learned my lesson, looked in to that abyss, and moved on.  (How's that for justification, eh?)

I also imagine that if there is a possibility of kids from another relationship, or of a disease, or if I was going to run for political office, that might be a bigger deal.  I still think of that, as an ex-political junkie, I wonder about running for office and having something come out about my relationships.  I can imagine the press conference now....

Press - Have you ever had sex outside your marriage.

Me - No, I did not have sex with that woman.

Press - OK Bill, now give us a straight answer.

Me - I have never had sexual intercourse, or oral sex with anyone but my wife since I got married.

Press - Then what is she so pissed about?

Me - Well, I fell in love with D and A while still married.

Press - What happened?

Me - Well, with D, I gave her the finger on a number of occasions and made her cum until she cried.

Press - Can you tell us more?

Me - I can tell you that she liked it when I fingered her at work, and that I was over at her house and she wore these cute little shorts, and, well, two holes, 5 fingers, you can do the math.

Press - (now sweating and giggling) - What happened with A?

Me - wistfully - I fell in love with A in a big way.  Long tender back-rubs in her office, hours of talking, a visit or two to her house, but never an orgasm between us.  It was just love, and that was the closest I got to leaving my wife.

Press - So all of this is over poking your finger in some girls' butt and falling in love with a hot chick from work?

Me - Yea, plus, I used to jerk off for a friend of mine.  She never let me touch her, really, but she liked watching me especially while we were driving.  Once I swam naked in her pool and occasionally she'd masturbate for me while I was on the phone.  I've blogged about it, so I'm not going to repeat it here.

Press - What else happened?

Me - Well, I dry humped T's back while I was helping her move a TV, and she offered me a blow job, but I had already shot my wad and wasn't in the mood anymore.  Oh yea, and she got naked for me, but nothing happened.

Press - This seems like a whole lot of pain over nothing.

Me - That's what I think, but try telling that to my wife.  She's pissed that I look at boobies on the computer, imagine the images she'd have in her head if I told her that I had a hottie on our marriage bed with my finger up her cunt as she moaned and gasped and drenched my hand with her lady juice.

Press - (now groping each other) - Can you tell us more, we are almost finished.....

Me - The only other thing is that for 2 years I wanted to kill myself or leave the marriage so I was in strip clubs on a number of occasions, maybe 10 times total, but man-oh-man were the orgasms good.

(Someone in the back of the press room cries out and cums, setting off a chain reaction of moans and whimpers)

Press - Does anyone have a cigarette?

...its been tense..... (2)

Sunday....


On Sunday we got to see a marriage counselor through our church.  I know a lot of you don't give much credit to religion, faith, or well-meaning pastors, but my faith and my beliefs are important to me, and very important to my wife, and the counseling is free, so we went.  It was good that we went.  I held her hand, she cried, she told me she didn't trust me, that every time I went on a trip she worried about me, that she was afraid I was getting back in to porn, that I was going to cheat, that she was putting our family at risk.


It breaks my heart and yet the inner-bastard in me tries to minimize, justify, avoid, deflect all of her pain with complaints about distance, her rules, her hang-ups, her judgments, her issues.....  I try to blame things on her, not to excuse my actions but to explain them.  I promised to be faithful to her and was not, I told her I'd avoid porn and did not, I caused her pain and doubt and uncertainty and no matter what the cause, what the reason, what my justifications may be, I caused the woman I love a great deal of pain, and anguish of soul.


We had a 20 minute appointment and stayed for an hour and a half.  In the end we were smiling a bit, our counselor asked her to to find a place, a little niche for some hope, for happiness, and to give it time to blossom as we worked together.  I do not want a divorce, I love her, and it's impossible to catch it all in one blog posting, I think we have a lot to deal with, but a lot of optimism.


After we got home, the kids were starving so I sent me oldest into the kitchen to make peanut butter sandwiches and carrot sticks.  We went to the bedroom and talked for another hour.  We finally got around to why she didn't want oral sex the night before, and why that has been a real hot and cold issue for her since she found out that I had strayed from our marriage.


When I first confessed to cheating on her, I as very clear, and very honest, that I had never had intercourse with any of the women I was with, it was true, and she believed me, but she never wanted to hear the details of what happened.  Turns out that she assumed that I was getting, and giving, oral sex in these relationships as a substitute for sex. Yesterday, she cracked open the door a bit and I was able to tell her some more of the story.

The 'funny' thing is that my cheating was really mild sexually, but since she has wrapped it up in so much emotional and hysterical baggage, we've never been able to get to the truth of what actually happened, so it inflates and explodes in her mind into the worst case scenarios she can makes up.


I told her that I never got, or gave, oral sex.  Which begs the question she still didn't want to ask, "What's left?"

it's been tense.....

It was my anniversary this weekend.  On Saturday night we went out for sushi (all you can eat for an hour for $25) and then went to a ballroom dance performance.  The sushi was delicious, the show was fun, and cheesy, and took itself way to seriously, but the dancers were beautiful, dressed in wonderfully revealing but "safe" gowns, and the men were slim and talented and made the most of the evening.

We got home, had a wonderful desert from our favorite restaurant and then crawled in to bed.  We haven't had the time or energy for sex in the past couple of weeks, and combine that with the fact that my libido has been missing in action it was the first time we had been naked together in over three weeks.

I love my wife's body.  After three kids and lots of trauma she still arouses and excites me.  We both love kissing so we let things build.  We stopped and talked, I made her laugh until she almost cried, and then we finally let the mood get serious...  Lots of kissing, and then I moved down her frame, kissing her neck, her clavicles, her shoulders, her arms, I was in heaven and getting harder by the minute.  "Touch Me" I whispered and her hands came to my body.  I took her nipple in my mouth and she sighed just a little, then down her ribs across her belly button and back up the other side.

I straddled her and pressed her legs together, enveloping her upper body with mine, holding her head in my hands, supporting her neck, moving upwards, kissing, touching, being touched, offering my cock to her....

She said 'No, I'm not in the mood for that tonight.'    WTF?

Internally, I'm just pissed, another hang-up, another control game, another 'I'm pissed at you so I'm shutting down' moment.   Externally, I'm sick of fighting so I play the good husband and just keep kissing and reach down to grab her vibrator.  But, in the 10 seconds I takes me to reposition myself my erection is gone, and I know it's gone, really gone, and even as I bring her off with our favorite toy, I know I'm done.  I'm pissed, I'm hurt (ok, wimpy me), I'm angry.  But I smile, I laugh, I tell her that we can go to sleep and that tonight it can be all about her.

Part of me wants to end this post there, when I'm pissed with another mood swing rejection, another new set of mystery rules and mind-reading games.   I haven't had a decent erection in days and she wastes the one I had, aaaargh.  I was so frustrated.....

But, but, but, but......