Wednesday, December 3, 2008

53 things I wish my wife understood

1. There is no bad time for sex – This includes at, or during family gatherings, while the kids are awake, while they are asleep, while they are watching TV in the next room, in the morning when I am running late (I can always catch the next bus), or …. There really is no bad time for sex.

2. Yes, a hand job is always acceptable if you are too tired to fuck me or suck me. It is appropriate while we drive, watch a movie, or wait for our order at Starbucks

3. Swallowing does not make you a slut.

4. Talking dirty does not make you dirty. It is OK to admit that you are going to cum, you have just cum, or that you really want to cum.

5. Being horny is OK.

6. Asking for sex is a wonderful gesture, and it makes me feel that you find me desirable.

7. Yes, doing it doggie style does make your butt look big, that is why I like it.

8. I do not need to, or really want to, cum on your face, in your hair, or in your eyes, but don’t act like it is radioactive either, even if a little bit ends up on your stomach, chest, thigh, or, heaven forbid, the sheets.

9. Sex is supposed to be messy sometimes. If I ask you to pull out the cheap sheets, and baby oil, go with it.

10. I’m OK if you look taller than me at the Christmas party. I bought you the 4” stilettos for a reason.

11. You will not get in a car crash today, so it’s OK to go without underwear.

12. I bought you lingerie because I think you look good in it., and yes, because it makes you look sexy, and frankly, a little slutty, but the video camera is off and I’m not telling the neighbors, so you can take off your floor length robe now.

13. Fucking with the lights on is wonderful.

14. There is never “enough” sex, I will want you pretty much all the time, when you are tired, hungry, hung-over, sick, busy, tired, cranky, on your period or off, at 4 PM as much as at 4:00 AM. Get used to it.

15. I love touching you, please don’t pull away. Not every touch, caress, fondle or grope means I want sex, it just mean it just means that I find you attractive.

16. The trampoline is a perfectly legitimate location for sex. I planted the tall trees and built the fence for a reason.

17. You have some exceptionally beautiful friends. I’m going to notice. Please don’t get too upset.

18. I will wake up hard and huge almost every morning. It is my favorite erection of the day. Please take advantage.

19. Being sexually aggressive, going for your own orgasm, taking control of the situation, is incredibly, wonderfully sexy. Please act on it more often.

20. Yes, I wanted to have sex with your sister, but that was before I met you, and I no longer want to. She’s turned out to be a whinny little bitch anyway.

21. I want to have sex with women at work, but I will not, because I love you. I would love to have sex with you at work. My door has a lock.

22. I want to have sex with you because I love you. You also happen to make me very horny.

23. When I tell you that I love your smile, your butt, your breasts, your pussy, the way you taste, the way you smell, the look on your face when you cum, the way you try to stay quiet during sex, believe me and don’t insult yourself or brush it off. Accept my compliment, kiss me, and get back to fucking.

24. I love to masturbate, I really do. This has almost nothing to do with how I feel about you. It feels good; it’s easy, fun, and quick. Don’t feel like you have to compete.

25. I would rather have sex with you than with myself.

26. Making love to you helps me love you.

27. Having sex makes me feel loved, accepted, and safe.

28. The more we have sex the less I look at porn.

29. I have stopped looking at porn (mostly) because you asked me too, not because I don’t like it. Please give me credit for making the decision. Don’t argue with my motives. I will always like porn.

30. I love you madly, so it kills me when you reject me sexually, it really rips me a apart.

31. If I ask you to try something different, it does not mean that I am bored, it means I am trying not to get bored.

32. Your pathological fear of being tied up, even playfully, worries me. I wonder if someone has hurt you in the past.

33. The one time we had anal sex you loved it, it was one of the biggest orgasm we have ever shared. Why can’t we do it again?

34. Please masturbate. Prove to me that you want sex enough to take it for yourself.

35. A few years ago I was hoping that you were having an affair. I wanted to know that you wanted sex with someone, even if it wasn’t me, then, maybe you would want sex with me eventually.

36. I cheated on you because I felt lonely, rejected, and un-needed. So I had those needs met by someone else. The way she smiled when she saw me, the way she would flirt and laugh, and beg for me to meet her in the break room so she could show me her panties was a rush that I wish I got from you.

37. I will not hit on our cute babysitter. She’s only 16 for goodness sakes. I want some tail, but not jail.

38. I want you to look forward to having sex with me, not resigned to it.

39. I want to have sex that lasts more than the 10 minutes you give me at the end of a long and very tiring day, I want to make sex a priority, a passion, something to look forward to, to plan for, to anticipate. I want to know that you are looking forward to having my cock inside you.

40. I want you to see me and say, “Wow, I want to suck that dick. I want him to fuck me, I want to get fucked, I want to cum. I want you to want me. I need you to need me.

41. 69 is one of my favorite positions, please remember that and climb aboard.

42. I think it is cool that you like your vibrator, I love using it with you, on you, and knowing that you have it. Watching you cum is one of my favorite things, I don’t care how we get there.

43. When the bedroom door is locked, and the kids are asleep, it is OK to use the word “fuck”

44. I know you talk about me with your girlfriends, just be nice and add 2” to what ever you say.

45. Lisa is hot because she goes to the gym, if I see her there and notice that fact, please don’t get upset.

46. No, I don’t like wearing clothes, and yes, if I could be naked more I would be, but the people at my office complain too much.

47. My nipples are not made of glass, rough ‘em up a little.

48. Yes, your sister-in-law dresses like a whore, but no, it is not a turn on. It was 15 years and 30 pounds ago, but not now. She is a cow in a hooker suit.

49. I wonder if you were abused as a child. You seem to be afraid of many things.

50. There are days when I hate being married to you. Those days scare me because I really love you.

51. If we ever divorce, I’m taking $10,000 and spending it all on beautiful hookers who will do what ever I want.

52. Please, at lease, pretend to like it more, I’m very delusional. If that is what it takes, I can pretend too.

53. My mom and dad didn’t have sex for the final 28 years of their lives. That is unacceptable. If you won’t fuck me, I will find someone who will, but I don’t want to. I want to fuck you.


Anonymous said...

Wow that's quite a list. I hope this is a lifetime goal and not something to be achieved by new years. If you were guaranteed just one (maybe two), which would it be?

Advizor said...

None of these are a goal because I do not believe that they will ever come about.

If I had to pick, I would list:

If you really pinned me down (now there is an idea) to just two, I would say...

#40 - I need to feel wanted, that she is attracted to me, that she wants me.


#26/27 - I realized in making this list that sex and acceptance are tied very closely together for me. So #15 is in the mix as well.

Anonymous said...

Interesting choices, sex is truly amazing in so many more ways than the obvious.

Your short list seems obtainable.

As for being pinned down, an exciting idea, don't you think.

Advizor said...

Sex is amazing in many, many ways, and involves a lot more than the obvious body parts.

If we could get our heads and hearts out of the game, then the rest of our parts would have a lot more fun.

As for my short list being obtainable, I've had this list a long time and it's not improving, so I'll work on #2 and #3.

And YES, I think being pinned down is a wonderful idea.

Kadri said...

What a list!

Sad and funny, eye opening and also romantic. I wish my husband cared enough to write one line or two no matter the topic. I can take critique and I'd love to know what's on his mind at times.

I also think that #26/27 is something that many women find hard to understand. The connection between sex and love is most often a something that men see and women don't.

As a woman I wash his clothes, cook his food, and do other daily tasks for him to show that I love him. In the evening when I'm dead tired he wonders if I still love him since I'm too tired to have sex with him. And of course, I feel unappreciated since he don't see the value in the things that I do for him.

Today I have learned to see the difference and act accordingly, but it took me years to figure it out.

Advizor said...

Kadri, I'm so glad you enjoyed the post and it's good to hear from you.

I know that my wife puts in very long, and very tiring days with the kids, so I try to be sympathetic to the "I'm Tired" feelings.

The challenge, which we are currently failing at, is to find time, before the day is done, before exhaustion sets in, and before sitting on the couch or laying your head on the pillow results in instant sleep.

Maybe you can find time as soon as he gets home from work, or before he leaves in the morning. Just find some time to be together when you both have some energy.

If you put together a similar list, what would it be? I'd love to see it posted on your blog. Or, you can post it on mine if your husband reads yours. I only speak this freely because my wife doesn't know that his blog exists.



Kadri said...

As I said, I've figured it out but it took me years. The most basic thing I did was to simply book "he and me" time into the schedule and get a friend to look after the kids once a week.

Luckily kids grow up and we now have much more time for each other since they are old enough to look after themselves. =)

I'll see if I can put a list together but I'm not sure if I want to post it in public, I might just mail it to you instead.

Kadri said...

OK, my list is much shorter than yours. =)

1) I married an older man because I love older men. I love you no matter what but I do prefer it when you look and act your actual age.

2) That I'm in pain doesn't mean that I don't want to have sex, I won't break if you touch me.

3) As long as you won't stop playing Counter Strike when I want to have sex I won't stop working on my novel when you want to.

4) Pinching my butt while I'm washing the dishes might be great foreplay for you but it has never done it for me. Help me with the dishes instead and you'll find that I'm in a much better mood once it's done.

5) The reason why I don't want to have sex in my half of the bed is because I don't want to lay on the wet spot and I'm usually too tired to change the sheets at once. Go get a towel and I'm ready to have sex where ever you want to.

6) I do know when you tell me things simply to please me and not because you really mean it and I see it as an insult and it lowers your changes of getting sex anytime soon. Insults are lust killers no matter how they are served.

7) It won't hurt you to do what I tell you to now and then even when you don't feel like it, I know you'll like the results if you just relax and enjoy the ride.

8) Sex does not equal love and I'll still love you the day when you are old and impotent (should the later happen).

9) I love you as you are and for who you are. I think you are the sexiest man in this world and I'm happy that you are mine.

10) Your gray hair and the extra weight around your waist are sexy in my eyes.

11) The scent of you is an aphrodisiac to me and that's the reason why I never buy you after shave.

12) I don't mind you watching porn so stop hiding it like a naughty little boy and start sharing it instead.

I have to say that finding things to put on the list has been hard since we get along well most of the time. We are lovers, best friends, a well functioning team and partners in crime and we've been so for such a long time that we do understand most things about each other even though it's unspoken. I accept his insecurities and quirks and he accepts mine, we do understand that we see things differently and that our needs are different as well, it's not perfect but there is beauty in imperfection too.

Advizor said...


I love that you felt like you could share some of your feelings about this very sensitive topic. While some criticize the internet for its anonymity, I feel like it frees most of us up to speak the truth in ways we wouldn’t otherwise be able to do.

I’m sure there is more to explore behind each point, but I have to comment a bit. If I didn’t have too much to say, I wouldn’t have this blog in the first place….

1 – How much older is your husband? Two of the couples in my family are 7+ years apart. It seemed odd when the wives were just 29 and the guys were 35+, but it’s less of an issue as the years go buy.

2 – I won’t pry in to your pain, but I hope that your are finding solutions

3 – Too funny – What is your novel about? Is it your first? Are you published in the Real World?

4 – My wife would agree with you on this 100%

5 – How about bringing the towel to bed and laying it on the pillow when you are in the mood. He might get the hint.

6 – This is a tough one. Do you think he is trying to insult you or doing it accidentally as he tries to tell you what you want to hear? Is he trying to be nice but in a clumsy way? My wife and I have to be careful of the backhanded compliment. We can get pretty mean with each other some times, and it takes a long time to recover.

7 – Are you talking about sex here? I love instructions, tips, tricks, guidance, and especially demonstrations of what she (you) wants me to do.

8 – Most guys don’t see it as you do, part of the Mars/Venus thing.

9 – “I love you as you are and for who you are” You may love us, but most men see in ourselves only faults, so if you love us, we question your judgment and your taste in men.

10 – Now you are just trying to be nice, and we have a hard time believing you. See just see the inevitable march of death.

11 – My first serious girlfriend felt this way. She was always horniest, and most aggressive, right after I went jogging. My first orgasm with a girl was with her and I can still remember it.

12 – This is why you are so wonderful. If you were to pick a movie, what kind would you pick? Do you watch on your own???

I love your list. It seems like it is something you could share with him. None of it is too critical or harsh. I know my list comes across as much more angry, now that I re-read it, again. I’m glad that you two get along so well. I think if you worked on #5 and #7 you’d get along even better.

Go buy that special towel and let me know how it goes…

Kadri said...

I too enjoy the freedom that the web provides, it's a good place to talk about things that I would never talk to my friends about. =)

1) He's 12 years older. We never had any issues when we were younger, but it has started to show now. I'm totally OK with him being a grumpy old man but he's trying to be younger than he is to some how "match" me.

2) It's chronic pain, I've been living with it for over a decade now. I know how to handle it but he don't since he worries that he'll hurt me.

3) This far I've mainly written short stories and children's stories but now I decided to write a full novel and see if it's good enough to publish. Its' fantasy fiction where I try to challenge the traditional "black and white" thinking in an attempt to provoke deeper thinking in the reader. I've never been published in Real World but I do hope to get there one day.

4) I think that one is quite universal. =)

5) I sort of like to leave him with the wet spot on his side. ;o) At least until he figures out why it's always like that...

6) He's simply trying to tell me what he thinks I want to hear so that he can get what he wants at the end. And he does so even though he knows that I'm a straight forward person that prefers blunt honesty over half or full lies. That's the insulting part, he should know better since I've been telling it to him for 20 years now.

We've never been mean to each other though we have unintentionally hurt each other on occasion. It was something that we agreed on back in the day when we met. We picked each other, love each other and we're a team, there is no room for insults or meanness in our team.

7) Of course. =) I'm a bit more "adventurous" than he is but I know he'll like what I want if he just relaxes and let me show the way now and then.

8) Oh, I know that very well, and I find it sad. That's why I wish that guys (not only my husband) would understand that.

9) LOL! I think that applies on both genders. "What does he see in me and why? He must be crazy." ;)

10) In my case it's true, I guess you could say it's a fetish.

11) Oh yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about. (*grins*)

12) I'd pick something fetish aimed, most likely something with bondage and/or spanking. I do watch on my own and I have a secret "guilty pleasure", going to sites for dormant women or watching fem dommes on youporn, spankwire, and such sites. I don't miss being a domme it's just that I still think it's very sexy to see men in submission. Eye candy. =P

I didn't read your list as angry, it seemed more frustrated to me. Some of the posts have the "I've tried, I've failed and I don't know what to do next" feeling to them.

Kadri said...

Duh! The spell check cahnged a word for me without my permission.
It should be:
"guilty pleasure", going to sites for dominant women ...

Advizor said...

I love hearing from you.

Just a quick follow-up question and the I have to get to work.

#7 - What do you want him to do to you that causes his hesitation?

#12(a) - You said, "I don't miss being a domme....." this implies that you once were. Some of your stories certainly hint at that, but I'd love to hear more.

#12(b) - When you visit your 'guilty pleasure' websites, do you touch yourself? do you climax?

And the spell check picked a funny change to make, from dominant to dormant. Changes the tone completely.

Have a wonderful day!!!


Kadri said...

7) That's just about anything that's out of routine, nothing specific. =)

12) a) I was switching back and forth being mostly on the submissive side but I did go to the domme side too now and then. The stories build on my personal experience and they follow the actual time line so there will be more D/s in the future if I ever get around to write more.

12) b) Masturbating in front of the PC is uncomfortable and not practical considering the location of it. So, I don't do that, but I do on the other hand masturbate several times a day and I bring the sexiest parts with me in my mind when I do.

You have a nice day too!

Advizor said...

Your answer to 12b make you my hero and fantasy all at the same time.

When you say that you "masturbate several times a day", do you climax every time, or just find quiet time to touch yourself?

If I were your husband I don't think I would ever leave the house.

I hope to read more of your stories on your blog soon.

Kadri said...

The only times I don't climax when I masturbate is when I'm disrupted, and that do happen from time to time.

I'm really trying to find the time to finish writing the next post but it's not that easy right now.

Take care! =)

Advizor said...

:-) Then i won't try to disrupt you, unless it's by walking in on you....

I hope you find time to write. That is the biggest challenge of all.

Have a wonderful weekend