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Round One:
It started less than 24 hours ago when my sister-in-law, call her SH (skanky ho) caught my brother-in-law looking at pornography on the Internet. At first that is all we thought it was. But it was enough for her to freak and kick him out of the house. My wife heard about it first but we both agreed it seemed like a bit of an overreaction. This problem hits close to home for my wife because, if you have read my blog you already know, we went through a seriously rough patch last year over my pornography habits. To hear about it in her brother's life was very painful. But even in the midst of those bad memories, she realized thought that SH was overreacting. She had a technology friend come over, search the hard drive, and recover the porn that had been deleted. I have no idea what kind of porn it was or how much there was, or even how long this has been going on, but he admitted to it last seen at least six months.
At the end of Round One, brother-in-law is caught looking at porn, wife searches for and finds more, kicks him out of the house. Harsh, but easy to empathize with given the betrayal, even while thinking she is going overboard.
Round two:
We find out later that SH, has told the four children ages 7 to 16, what their daddy has done. She told them about the porn, about him hiding it, and about catching him. How does a mother, with any sense of maternal affection for her own children, unleash that kind of anger on a seven-year-old? Her two youngest are too young to even understand what porn is.
I can empathize with her feeling upset, but even at the beginning, it seemed as if she is shutting down any door that would lead to his rehabilitation within the family. I start to wonder, and still wonder, what else was going on besides these bad choices.
Round three
My wife was holed-up in the bedroom with the door locked on the phone for over two hours last night. I'm getting little mini-updates and she opens the door to check on me and the kids as we go through our bedtime routine. During one of the phone calls she finds out that her brother went to a massage parlor on two occasions, though he claimed that nothing happened either time.
So now we have porn, and a massage parlor visit with no "happy ending." While it is difficult to believe, we have to take him at his word for now. So at the end of the night we have her brother at his mom's place, an offended wife at home telling everyone who will listen, parents, siblings, best friend, and her own kids, all of the dirty details of what's happening.
As my wife and I cleaned the kitchen and shut down the house she told me how difficult it was to hear what was happening because of what had gone on between the two of us last year. She said that she was very happy that she never told anyone about our problems, not even her mother. "Our problems are our problems," she said. This was big for her because in her family you talk about everything. I remember during one of our first dinner together at her place, before we were even seriously dating. I got a full update on her moms bowel habits, the older brothers girlfriend problems, and some information about a cyst that I will never forget.
I hugged my wife gently and thanked her for not kicking me out and for staying with me long enough to work things through. I wish I could add that we went to bed and made mad passionate love in appreciation of each other, but instead we brushed our teeth and fell asleep in record time.
Round four begins
I slept like a baby. My wife says that she couldn't sleep because of the worry. I know, however, that she was snoring within minutes of hitting the pillow, so she might have worried for a little bit, but not too much.
I got up early, went to the gym, taught my spin class, tried to flirt with the cute brunette on crutches, and went to work. Almost immediately I get a phone call from home giving me the next part of the story.
My wife wants to go down and talk to her. I tell her "no way." I tell her that the only person who should be in the middle of this mess is a priest, a marriage counselor, or a policeman in body armor. All she would do is get caught in the crossfire and that means that you get hit by bullets from both sides. I was able to talk her out of going down to see them. I think her intentions were good, and came out of loving place where she's trying to help, but it's too early, and any efforts to get her to calm down would be seen as a defense of his actions. Since his actions are indefensible, I told her that she shouldn't go. Luckily she didn't because round five got worse.
Round Five
I had just finished lunch with some friends and was walking around the neighborhood getting some fresh air when my phone rang.
My wife called to give me the latest news.
It turns out that this morning, SH was on the phone with someone, ranting, when the two oldest kids asked her what was going on. They had already been told that their dad was a porn freak and had gotten a hand job from a masseuse. Then this wonderful mother, this nurturing figure of levelheadedness, decided that the two oldest kids 15 and 17, a teenage boy and an oversexed teenage girl, should see all the porn that their dad was appreciating. So she showed them, she showed them all the porn.
Now, I'm a guy, I was once a horny teenage boy, and I love pornography. I know that their son has seen porn. He's a teenage boy with an absentee mother a good computer, and a fast Internet connection. He has seen porn. His older sister, who claims to be a virgin but behaves in a way to make me doubt that claim, has also seen it. I'm sure she has seen it live. While this is not their first exposure to naked people having sex, to see it from their mother, to see it with an angry, vindictive, unforgiving diatribe as narration must have an impact.
What is their son thinking now? "My dad looked at porn and now my mother hates him and has kicked him out of the house. I've looked at porn so what happens to me? Does my mother hate me? Will she kick me out of the house, will she hire an attorney to kick me out of the family?" Besides all the issues of seeing his mother ranting out of control, he now has his personal conflict about what might happen to him if he ever admits to looking at this material.
I love my voice recognition software, but when I tried to put a paragraph into italics, if launched Internet Explorer and brought me to this website. Maybe my computer likes Broadway more than I knew.
I admit, and understand, that this is all conjecture on my part but I know everybody involved, and I'm pretty sure I'm pretty close.
Round 6
The way in which parents handle conflict between each other has a fairly profound impact on their children. As much as my brother-in-law is at fault for this crisis, her inability to control herself in front of her kids, to keep boundaries between adults and children, and to think of others before she thinks of herself, is reprehensible. And yes, I know that sounds judgmental, because I am judging her, so sue me.
Her brother went over to the house to talk to his wife this morning. Her parents were there because they live across the courtyard of the duplex they bought together. I like having my dad just where he is, about 500 miles away. I love the guy, I really do, I do not want him in my business. During his admission to her parents of the things he had done, he broke down in tears and expanded on his confession and explained that the "happy ending hand job," previously denied and then confessed, to was actually a pre-arranged visit to a prostitute, with whom he had sex.
Oh shit.
I believe that he did the right thing, or at least it is on the track and doing the right thing, which is a full confession. From my personal experience it does no good to lie after being caught. Trying to minimize the damage by minimizing your behavior just leads to further damage when you confess more, and then more, and then more. It really is like tearing off a Band-Aid on a hairy arm. You have to do it all at once. It will hurt like hell, but it's better than having it hurt like hell again and again and again. If he wants to rehabilitate himself, if he wants to regain his role in the family, he has to get it all out in the open, me must force the issue and explore what is wrong with the relationship that allows him to make these choices, and deal with the problem, and then the symptoms.
She is still in the pain stage, lashing out at him to all who listen. She has already called an attorney, and will probably not let him in the house.
He asked to come home, and she said that she would put it to a vote with the kids. I can't imagine that being a fair discussion.
"Your no-good whore buying, porn addicted, baby killer communist father wants to bring his hooker-loving dick and is dirty mind back into our home. And by the way, he may try and kill your pets while you sleep. Should we let him back in?"
I can see how that vote is going to go. She's the parent, she should decide, she shouldn't lay the decision on a 7 year old.
So, we have quite a weekend in front of us. On Saturday we are all getting together for a
“First Communion” service for the two young children in his family. He and his angry-as-hell wife are supposed to stand at the front of the church and smile and shake hands with the priest and kiss each other on the cheek and say a couple of nice words about how wonderful everything is. Personally, under my dark blue suit, I will be wearing a flak jacket and packing a trauma kit. Luckily, there is no family lunch after because that is supposed to happen at mom's house on Mother's Day.
And oh what a Mother's Day will be. My kids have no idea what is happening, we have chosen not to tell them until the situation clarifies. We will certainly not be talking about prostitutes, hand jobs, and porn. However, their oldest girl, rightfully upset, may talk to her cousins, which means my daughters and my nieces from a different brother. What do we tell them when life turns so ugly?
My wife and I successfully dealt with my issues behind closed doors, something for which I am forever grateful. But now, we have a lot of public ugliness to deal with.
Damn him for being an idiot, damn her for shitting it all out over the rest of us.
Round 7 will be too interesting to miss.
At the end of Round One, brother-in-law is caught looking at porn, wife searches for and finds more, kicks him out of the house. Harsh, but easy to empathize with given the betrayal, even while thinking she is going overboard.
Round two:
We find out later that SH, has told the four children ages 7 to 16, what their daddy has done. She told them about the porn, about him hiding it, and about catching him. How does a mother, with any sense of maternal affection for her own children, unleash that kind of anger on a seven-year-old? Her two youngest are too young to even understand what porn is.
I can empathize with her feeling upset, but even at the beginning, it seemed as if she is shutting down any door that would lead to his rehabilitation within the family. I start to wonder, and still wonder, what else was going on besides these bad choices.
Round three
My wife was holed-up in the bedroom with the door locked on the phone for over two hours last night. I'm getting little mini-updates and she opens the door to check on me and the kids as we go through our bedtime routine. During one of the phone calls she finds out that her brother went to a massage parlor on two occasions, though he claimed that nothing happened either time.
So now we have porn, and a massage parlor visit with no "happy ending." While it is difficult to believe, we have to take him at his word for now. So at the end of the night we have her brother at his mom's place, an offended wife at home telling everyone who will listen, parents, siblings, best friend, and her own kids, all of the dirty details of what's happening.
As my wife and I cleaned the kitchen and shut down the house she told me how difficult it was to hear what was happening because of what had gone on between the two of us last year. She said that she was very happy that she never told anyone about our problems, not even her mother. "Our problems are our problems," she said. This was big for her because in her family you talk about everything. I remember during one of our first dinner together at her place, before we were even seriously dating. I got a full update on her moms bowel habits, the older brothers girlfriend problems, and some information about a cyst that I will never forget.
I hugged my wife gently and thanked her for not kicking me out and for staying with me long enough to work things through. I wish I could add that we went to bed and made mad passionate love in appreciation of each other, but instead we brushed our teeth and fell asleep in record time.
Round four begins
I slept like a baby. My wife says that she couldn't sleep because of the worry. I know, however, that she was snoring within minutes of hitting the pillow, so she might have worried for a little bit, but not too much.
I got up early, went to the gym, taught my spin class, tried to flirt with the cute brunette on crutches, and went to work. Almost immediately I get a phone call from home giving me the next part of the story.
My wife wants to go down and talk to her. I tell her "no way." I tell her that the only person who should be in the middle of this mess is a priest, a marriage counselor, or a policeman in body armor. All she would do is get caught in the crossfire and that means that you get hit by bullets from both sides. I was able to talk her out of going down to see them. I think her intentions were good, and came out of loving place where she's trying to help, but it's too early, and any efforts to get her to calm down would be seen as a defense of his actions. Since his actions are indefensible, I told her that she shouldn't go. Luckily she didn't because round five got worse.
Round Five
I had just finished lunch with some friends and was walking around the neighborhood getting some fresh air when my phone rang.
My wife called to give me the latest news.
It turns out that this morning, SH was on the phone with someone, ranting, when the two oldest kids asked her what was going on. They had already been told that their dad was a porn freak and had gotten a hand job from a masseuse. Then this wonderful mother, this nurturing figure of levelheadedness, decided that the two oldest kids 15 and 17, a teenage boy and an oversexed teenage girl, should see all the porn that their dad was appreciating. So she showed them, she showed them all the porn.
Now, I'm a guy, I was once a horny teenage boy, and I love pornography. I know that their son has seen porn. He's a teenage boy with an absentee mother a good computer, and a fast Internet connection. He has seen porn. His older sister, who claims to be a virgin but behaves in a way to make me doubt that claim, has also seen it. I'm sure she has seen it live. While this is not their first exposure to naked people having sex, to see it from their mother, to see it with an angry, vindictive, unforgiving diatribe as narration must have an impact.
What is their son thinking now? "My dad looked at porn and now my mother hates him and has kicked him out of the house. I've looked at porn so what happens to me? Does my mother hate me? Will she kick me out of the house, will she hire an attorney to kick me out of the family?" Besides all the issues of seeing his mother ranting out of control, he now has his personal conflict about what might happen to him if he ever admits to looking at this material.
I love my voice recognition software, but when I tried to put a paragraph into italics, if launched Internet Explorer and brought me to this website. Maybe my computer likes Broadway more than I knew.
I admit, and understand, that this is all conjecture on my part but I know everybody involved, and I'm pretty sure I'm pretty close.
Round 6
The way in which parents handle conflict between each other has a fairly profound impact on their children. As much as my brother-in-law is at fault for this crisis, her inability to control herself in front of her kids, to keep boundaries between adults and children, and to think of others before she thinks of herself, is reprehensible. And yes, I know that sounds judgmental, because I am judging her, so sue me.
Her brother went over to the house to talk to his wife this morning. Her parents were there because they live across the courtyard of the duplex they bought together. I like having my dad just where he is, about 500 miles away. I love the guy, I really do, I do not want him in my business. During his admission to her parents of the things he had done, he broke down in tears and expanded on his confession and explained that the "happy ending hand job," previously denied and then confessed, to was actually a pre-arranged visit to a prostitute, with whom he had sex.
Oh shit.
I believe that he did the right thing, or at least it is on the track and doing the right thing, which is a full confession. From my personal experience it does no good to lie after being caught. Trying to minimize the damage by minimizing your behavior just leads to further damage when you confess more, and then more, and then more. It really is like tearing off a Band-Aid on a hairy arm. You have to do it all at once. It will hurt like hell, but it's better than having it hurt like hell again and again and again. If he wants to rehabilitate himself, if he wants to regain his role in the family, he has to get it all out in the open, me must force the issue and explore what is wrong with the relationship that allows him to make these choices, and deal with the problem, and then the symptoms.
She is still in the pain stage, lashing out at him to all who listen. She has already called an attorney, and will probably not let him in the house.
He asked to come home, and she said that she would put it to a vote with the kids. I can't imagine that being a fair discussion.
"Your no-good whore buying, porn addicted, baby killer communist father wants to bring his hooker-loving dick and is dirty mind back into our home. And by the way, he may try and kill your pets while you sleep. Should we let him back in?"
I can see how that vote is going to go. She's the parent, she should decide, she shouldn't lay the decision on a 7 year old.
So, we have quite a weekend in front of us. On Saturday we are all getting together for a
“First Communion” service for the two young children in his family. He and his angry-as-hell wife are supposed to stand at the front of the church and smile and shake hands with the priest and kiss each other on the cheek and say a couple of nice words about how wonderful everything is. Personally, under my dark blue suit, I will be wearing a flak jacket and packing a trauma kit. Luckily, there is no family lunch after because that is supposed to happen at mom's house on Mother's Day.
And oh what a Mother's Day will be. My kids have no idea what is happening, we have chosen not to tell them until the situation clarifies. We will certainly not be talking about prostitutes, hand jobs, and porn. However, their oldest girl, rightfully upset, may talk to her cousins, which means my daughters and my nieces from a different brother. What do we tell them when life turns so ugly?
My wife and I successfully dealt with my issues behind closed doors, something for which I am forever grateful. But now, we have a lot of public ugliness to deal with.
Damn him for being an idiot, damn her for shitting it all out over the rest of us.
Round 7 will be too interesting to miss.
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Why am I writing this? Because I think with my fingers and words don't make any sense until I see them on a screen or slip of paper.
3 comments:
All of this over porn? I am left completely speechless....but I do however wonder if SH (love the nickname btw) will ever stop to wonder why her husband felt the need to look at porn or seek some sexual gratification else where.
My two cents worth...sounds like the man is better off without her but as always, the kids will be the ones to suffer badly because of it.
Oh . My. God.
Any of the illicit behavior by brother in law really gets trumped by SH's handling of it. WTF, over? She has utterly fucked up those kids...sure, they will forget some (well the youngers will) but it will be there, insidious and sneaky...when they're grown, they'll wonder what's wrong with them and not really understand or remember the root cause, but they'll know its there just the same.
What a stupid bitch. He's not exactly a genius, but at least he had enough sense to keep it from the kids.
OMG- this lady just keeps getting MORE and MORE insane... wow. those poor kids- porn viewing should be done in pleasure, not forced by your mama- Those kids will never have a normal sex life- wow.
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