Tuesday, December 13, 2011

TMI - Please RSVP

Questionable Invitations
An invitation that's basic and to the point

1. You have been invited to a lingerie party at the Playboy Mansion.
Do you accept?  - Hell Yes! 

What do you wear? – I wore my best suit, a new tie, clean underwear and a new pair of shoes.    I’ve actually been to a party at the Playboy mansion.  The women were beautiful, the men handsome, the drinks flowed freely (all the Orange and Cranberry juice I could drink).  I met three bunnies, all dressed, and got a picture with 2 of them on my friend’s camera, which she “lost” soon after the party.  We were there for her work in the fashion industry.  It was fun to attend a party at such a cultural landmark, but the security was tight, too tight to do anything fun.  As I took my picture with Ms. March or Ms. June, or whatever, they were managing the line and telling people to keep their hands on the model’s lower back.  No ass grabs for the picture allowed.  It was fun and sexy, but very well managed, tightly controlled, and choreographed to the letter.

2. (for women) You have been invited to a private dinner at Godfather’s Pizza by Herman Cain. – I’d go, as a guy, and ask him how a black man got to be the head of Godfather’s Pizza and why he was so dumb as to not have dealt with his past before he ran for president.  I miss him in the race.

(for men) The wife of a Fortune 500 CEO, reputed to have had extramarital relationships, invites you to a private dinner when the husband is out of town.

Do you accept?  - Of course I accept. 

Why or why not?
I need someone to fund the development of 3D poodle-porn popcorn popper, or 3D4P for short.  I’m also intrigued how she got my name and number and why she wants to have dinner with me. Does she read my blog?  Has she seen me in the mailroom of her husband’s business?  Which kidney does she want to steal for her aging husband?

3. Charlie Sheen (for women) or Your favorite female porn star (for men) is making a movie in the city where you live. You happen to meet him/her, and he/she suggests you stop by his/her hotel for a drink?

Do you go? – I would love to have a drink with Charlie Sheen.  #1 question, WTF DUDE???  Why did you ruin my favorite show be leaving that douche bad non-actor cheating prick Ashton Kutcher in charge?  After I had beaten him in to a puddle of dripping tiger blood, I’d go bang his to porn star girlfriends.

I’ve met/seen a few porn stars in person and most of them are pretty skanky and scary looking, but if I could hang out with Allison Angel or this chick (I was going to put in a link here, but I hear my family stirring and my privacy bubble is about to burst), I might be convinced to kiss a little after the hotel door closes.

4. Your boss (of the opposite sex) who has been very flirty with you insists that when you’ve finished a project by working late or on a weekend you bring it by his/her house immediately?
Do you go?

No. – The idea of my boss, current or past, being flirty with me turns my stomach in such an obscene way that I may never be able to eat again.  Current boss is a 5’4” (in both directions), ball of snorts, mouth-breathing, and ADD.  She can’t pay attention for 4 minutes.  I HATE going out to lunch with her because it’s like watching a retarded bull dog eat peanut butter while fighting a runny nose.  I know I shouldn’t use the word “retarded” any more.  Comparing my boss to a retarded person is an insult to retarded people all over the world.  If I had to see her answer the door naked, or in anything less than a body-length Kevlar vest, I would run to the hotel ice machine and sit bare-assed in the ice bin to get my junk to shrivel up and hide so she can’t get her hands on it. 

If it were my previous boss, yes, I would go.

Do you go alone or take a friend along? – Yes.  I need someone to videotape me pushing her over the balcony.  The committee for the Nobel Peace prize would need proof that I actually killed the only terrorist worse than bin Laden.

5. You’re working on a political campaign. Late one evening, you get a call from the campaign manager saying the candidate (of the opposite sex) would like to see you right away in his/her hotel room.

Do you go?
Sarah Palin – Yes,
Michelle Bachman – Yes. 
Hillary Clinton – NO, No, NO.  See above answer.

Do you tell someone you are going there or keep it a secret? – If Ms. Bachman/Palin wants to have a little break from their hickville homophobic husbands, who am I to complain?  As and upstanding Republican I would do them missionary style while singing the national anthem and nailing them until they were red and blue (or maybe a really dark pink), and then I’d cover that all with a creamy white.

What do you wear? – My Jon Stweart Mask, of course.  They like strange.

Bonus: What’s the best invitation you’ve received? Why is it memorable?

AB invited me in to her Victoria’s Secret changing room. 
It was the first time she escalated our relationship without prompting from me
Kathy asked me to help her get dressed and do her hair for a big date (with me)
She NEVER let me see her do her make-up until then.  Trust is incredibly sexy.
Angela held out her hand and invited me into her living room by the big fireplace.
She taught me that soft gentle pressure was a wonderful sensation for the both of us.
Three wonderful bloggers have extended intensely personal and greatly appreciated invitations to visit their fine cities, and one asked just what would happen if I happened to get a plane ticket.  I don’t think my heart has every pounded so hard., or if I ever considered an answer so carefully.


Tame said...

You are such a dark horse - of all the people in the world you would probably not have been high on my list for those who had visited the playboy mansion. Just shows you how little you give away on your blog!

Great answers - especially as you answered both sides of the coin as it were.

Happy TMI Tuesday

O said...

I love your answers for the bonus questions... All of them! Especially the one about Kathy :) It's really cute and as you said, very sexy!

Mrs Discontented said...

You've been to the Playboy Mansion?! I'm kinda jealous!

Luna Moon said...

"Hickville, Homophobic Husbands..." Well said!

France said...

#4 definitely got me laughing!! You'refunny, who knew that? :p

Kenny said...

I like reading you...you always entertain.