Cockold or Masochist

I have friends, my friends have friends, lovers, owners, subs, and those friends have other friends.

And I like to hear about them all.

What does that make me?  Am a simply a voyeur, or a cuckolded cyber-lover?

A friend called me an emotional masochist because I follow the blogs of women I fell in love with, yet they are with others and recount their affairs and adventures and I am at once saddened and aroused by their conquests.  I, we, most/some/all of us watch from afar as others find love, sex, passion that we lack.  Others look at us and wish for the family, job, home, or children that might be ours. 

So why do I punish myself by reading her blog anymore, or hers, or his, when all he does is write stories about fucking her.  I want to know.  I'm a masochist and an emotional voyeur. 

Tell me what you said...
Tell me how it felt...
Tell me what he did to you....

Tell me....

I will read every post you put up, and it will break my heart each time, but I'm never going away.
The pain is worth it.
And so are you.

Prospective Introspection

I have to say THANK YOU to all the wonderful people who responded in comments in private about my "Sunday Sadness" post.  Your sincere concern and statements of faith, and of comfort in non-belief, remind me of how many wonderful friends I have in blog-land.

The expressions of support are heartwarming and appreciated. 

I also want to let you know that I'm not as depressed as I sound, but in admitting that, I have to admit other things.  When I blog I try to get to the heart of the matter.  The questions raised, both on Sunday and in other posts, are real and immediate to me as I'm writing them.  This does not mean, however, that I am in crisis mode as I write.  Because I follow wonderful writers, who write wonderful posts, I get to thinking and I get in to question mode. 

This is where I start to question things, to say aloud the thoughts my lips cannot say in public, in front of church friends, my spouse, my family, my in-laws, pastor, priest, or therapist.  My blog is a place for me to write uncensored blather at times, and in prospective introspection (PI).  So what does “prospective introspection” mean?

It means I want to think crisis-level thoughts before they become a crisis.  I want to anticipate what my thoughts might be before I need to think them.  We teach this to kids, firefighters, and athletes all the time, we practice reacting to situations before they come up. I like to do this mentally, it keeps me out of trouble, and, when in trouble, I already know what to say.

For our kids, we call it role-play:

Do you want a cigarette? – No, I’m choosing not to smoke because it’s bad for me and I don’t want to smell like death for the rest of my life.

Do you want a beer? – No thanks, I don’t drink, but I’m glad you invited me to your party; does anyone need a ride home?

Wanna fuck? – Ewh, ick, are you kidding Mr. Penicillin man? (I have daughters)

The question of faith came up because another blogger admitted to questioning her own faith, so I start the PI.  I think down the road, I anticipate the conversation with my wife, priest, and family. 

Why don’t you go to church anymore? – It no longer meets my needs and I feel my priorities shifting.

Do you believe in God at all? – I’m not sure.  If God is real, maybe I need to find a new way to relate to him/her/it.

Are you going to raise your kids in the church? – For now, yes, they find joy in their belief and I will not take that away from them, and I still believe that the moral code is well taught and I think it makes them better people.

I try to think this stuff through before the actual crisis comes up.

I don’t want my blogging to be seen as “Crying Wolf” emotionally.  The friendship I get is sincere and I don’t want you to think that I’m writing to get a reaction or sympathy when none is needed at the moment. 

When I write, I will always try to ask honest questions and share the thoughts that are running through my deranged little brain.  I will also try to let you know if I’m really sad, or just if I’m just anticipating the sadness yet to come.

Sunday's Sadness

What do we do when we stop believing?

A fellow blogger admitted that she still said her bedtime prayers even though she no longer believed that someone else was listening to them.  I asked her why she still said them.  While she has not responded yet, and does not have to at all, I have asked myself the same question many, many times.

If I no longer have faith in my faith, what next?  For myself, the question is simple, I move on and adjust to a world in which my hope for betterment is purely on my own shoulders.  No priest, pastor, guru, bishop, swami, imam, or psychic offers me anything.  The world tells me that I am to fend for myself and fuck the rest.  (Admit it, that’s what is being taught by most people today outside a religious context.)  The “feel good” movements of the 60’s have proven to be a failure (free love, EST, Dianetics, drug-induced enlightenment, etc)

I can handle this piece on my own, I’ve come to the conclusion over time and My thinking has adjusted to it, but what about my wife and our relationship, and what do I tell my kids.

For my wife, I tell her that we no longer match, that when we kneel in prayer it’s just for show, a sign of appeasement, an empty gesture to keep the piece at home.  But once she knows that, the gesture is a mockery of her faith, and a cancer between us.

And what about the children?  It feels like I’m killing of Santa, the Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy in one fell swoop.  “Give up hope kids!” I will have to say, “God’s a crock, the angels are as fake as fairies, and everything we’ve taught you for 12 years is just wrong.” 

There is no hope of a next life, or salvation, or seeing loved ones on the far side of the bright light. 

What do I tell them?  “You’ve got 45 good years until your health starts to fail and then it’s just a slow march to incontinence and the grave.  Everything you love will die.  All you work for will rot.   You can fight the good fight, make some money, share the wealth, soothe the suffering of those who have less, but in the end, we all die, and that’s it.” 

For me that sometimes seems like blessed relief, but how do you kill that hope in children?  What do you tell them?

(This mood will pass, i know, but .....)

The Saturday after

It's been a hectic couple of days.

Cooking,
waking up early to play flag football with guys who take it much to seriously
getting muddy and remembering how fun it is to get dirty
driving,
eating,
cleaning,
playing with the nieces and nephews to avoid talking to the adults
trying to get my mother-in-law's travel documents in order
realizing that my niece-in-law (?) grew up to be a hottie
driving home late
sleeping in
skipping the gym
still sore from the football game
doing homework
cleaning the garage
turkey leftover!!!
playing with the boy instead of cleaning the garage
enjoying another great meal (BBQ) with friends
staying up late to watch TV with the girls
and doing more dishes.

All in all, a pretty good weekend.

Now, be honest, have we all started our Christmas diets yet?

I am thankful for (v2011)

Much of my blog is taken up by complaining, which I know, gets tiresome.  I’ve tried to cut back over the past few months with whining about the lack of sex and blah, blah, blah.  I’m so tired of it myself that I can’t even write it down yet again. 

So, in keeping with the spirit of the Holiday (at least in the US), I will do the horribly clichéd thing, and write a list of things I am thankful for.  So, in the tradition of my parents, please stand with me around the dinner table, hold hands (hands only please, we are about to eat), and listen as I spout on and on about things I am grateful for on Thanksgiving Day, 2011.

I am thankful for sex when I get it.

And syphilis when I don’t

For other bugs I haven’t got,

Which doesn’t mean I won’t

I’m thankful ….  Ok, rhyming isn’t going to work.

I am thankful for being employed for a few more days, at least until my refinance closes.

I’m thankful for bus drivers who know which shortcuts are actually shorter

I’m really thankful I can sleep through most of my commutes on nights like tonight.

I’m thankful for the empty seat beside me after weeks of SRO buses and no privacy to type.

I’m thankful for my blog and all of the wonderful people I’ve been able to meet.

I’m even thankful for all the bloggers that I’ve known, loved, and pissed off, and who hate me now.

                They made my life richer for being in it, even for a little while.

I’m thankful for computers, web-cams, and microphones that allow me to make friends all over the world.

I’m thankful that most of you don’t know my real name, but thrilled you know me at all.

I’m grateful for the written word that allows me to express myself day-after-day, keeping me sane (mostly)

I’m grateful for a few special friends, who know who they are, and who make my life wonderful at times, often enough I try to put up with the other times with some sense of grace.

I’m thankful for Nella, one of the first porn stars I crushed on and all of her quality work.

I’m thankful for my body, with all its failings, and for the pleasure I get from it.

I’m grateful I can still run, swim, cycle, climb, fuck, and laugh, breathe, eat, poop, pee, and sleep.  I have too many friends who can’t do at least one of these.

I’m grateful for my phone that just brought me messages from two very wonderful women, three if you count my wife.

I’m grateful for good porn that reminds us just how pretty sex can be.

I’m grateful for bad porn that reminds me how grateful I am for good porn.

I’m grateful for beautiful women of all shapes, sizes and colors. 

I am humbled to be able to share intimacies with those who are close to me, and to bring a little fun and pleasure into the world.

I’m grateful for Tumblr and good photographers across the world.

I’m grateful for YouTube and its bastard son and slutty daughter RedTube and YouPorn.

I’m grateful for men and women who are smart enough to invent streaming audio, $50 web-cams, free Internet (kind of), and software that lets me enjoy it all.

I’m grateful for breasts, small and firm, or soft and round, perky or full, fresh and free or a bit world-weary from children and gravity, I am glad you share them with me.

I am grateful for Twitter and the fact that I no longer use it.

I’m grateful that Farmville and Facebook are not yet mandatory.

I’m thankful for the men and women of our Armed Forces, who, if they are ever bored, can come to me for a list of fresh targets. (Oh, believe me, I have a list, and if you are laughing, you just got added)

I’m thankful for a land where I can log on to the web and visit my church website, or news, or subversion, or blasphemy, or Netflix without a morality death squad kicking in my door (besides my wife).

I’m grateful for Pink Floyd, Mumford and Sons, David Bowie, William Shakespeare, Will I. Am, The Canadian Brass, the Burning River Brass, Brass bands of many kinds, podcasts with musicians I have never heard of, and digital recordings of all the classics. 

I’m thankful for art and artists who make it, even if most of you are pretentious hipsters who think that talent comes from wearing your fake fedora at just the right angle.

I’m thankful for feminists who have made my daughter’s life easier, even if she doesn’t realize it yet, she’s thankful too.

I’m grateful I can sing well enough to join in the church choir, but not so good, I worry about taking lessons.

I’m grateful for purple mountains, amber waves, and fruited planes, all that stuff. 

I’m grateful for my church leaders and friends who are kind hearted and loving and care for my family.

I’m thankful for my wife and for what a wonderful mother she is.

I’m grateful to her parents (as crazy as her mom can be) for raising a good daughter.

I’m grateful for our sex toys that do the job when a little boost is needed.

I’m grateful for my heating blanket even if it is only “California Cold.”

I’m grateful for asses, professional and amateur, tight or a bit saggy, that are eagerly shared on film, in movies, in person, and in theory.  I love them all.

I am grateful for England and the daughters of the Empire.

I’m grateful for NY, TN, KY, UT, HI, NE, CA, NC, TX, the entire Midwest and all of Canada.  I’m grateful for Brazil, Australia, New Zeeland, and Italy, the Nordic lands, the Eastern Bloc, the brave souls in the middle east who could get arrested for reading my blog (really, it isn’t worth it, mine isn’t, but Tumblr, maybe).  Did I miss anyone?

I’m grateful for clueless husbands who let me flirt with their wives, and for boyfriends who just like to share.

I’m grateful for Victoria’s Secret, Adam and Eve, Saphoria, The Pleasure Chest and on-line shopping.

I’m grateful for porn stars, the girl next door, and the occasional starlet with a sex tape who entertain me so well.

I’m grateful for hard cock, but really, only if it’s mine or on film.  One per room is fine in real life.

I’m thankful for high-def TV, smart phones, wireless networks, and the ability to erase all internet history with just three clicks.

I’m grateful for women’s clothes, high fashion, Target bikinis, cotton panties, silk baby dolls, tight jeans, high heels, and the for the women who wear them.

I’m thankful for laughter unrestrained, for smiles and tears born from sincere moments, I’m grateful for final gasps and aftershocks and for learning to be bold. 

I’m grateful for many, many things still not on this list, but on this day, Thanksgiving Day, I need to stop writing and drive to dinner.  (I’m grateful I’m not making the turkey this year, there are 35 hungry people waiting.)

And I’m thankful for anyone who got through this list.  I hope it was worth your time.

(If I have time, I’ll add all sorts or cool hyperlinks to relevant words, but if it’s just words, forgive me)

a day off....

Wednesday morning.  Woke up at 4:45, several minutes before my alarm normally goes off.  I read a couple of e-mails through sleepy eyes, and smiled at a report from a friend, frowned at another, and then turned off my phone and rolled over and slept some more.

An hour later I woke up, kissed my wife on the cheek and got out of bed to wake up D1 and get her ready for school.  The weather is cold but the skies are clear and after dropping her off at school I left a voice mail for a friend and came home to make breakfast.

Not a bad start to the day.  By the end of today I will have had a shot at the doctor (nothing big), gotten a new clothes drying installed, and done all the Thanksgiving shopping and most of the cooking. 

Not the most thrilling day, but a nice day off.  I have a "What I'm Thankful for" post ready for tomorrow, but with no FFF scheduled for Friday, I may be lazy and take a couple of days off from writing.  That sounds nice too.

Have a great Wednesday!!!

TMI - In the Kitchen

What’s Cookin’ Good Lookin’?



Would you like to taste my muffins?

Why, yes, I would...



 

In the United States Thanksgiving is this week, so a lot of folks will be cooking up a storm in preparation. Many other holidays will occur over the next month around the world and everyone seems to celebrate with food, hence, the TMI Tuesday theme…Cooking.

Haagen-Dazs or Ben & Jerry’s?

Ben & Jerry’s hands down favorite.  They have Phish Food, the best diet-busting ice cream ever, and their flavors change and they feature tie-dye.  What else can you ask for?

What is always in your refrigerator?

Milk, Eggs, left-overs stored for tomorrow’s lunch, lots of lettuce, tomatoes (what ever is on sale), lots of fruit (my son loves grapes and Tangelos) and about 8 kinds of salad dressing. 

In the freezer, we have Girl Scout Thin mints and probably a package of M&Ms (dark chocolate) to add to our popcorn on Movie Night.

What’s your worst kitchen disaster?

Home-made ice cream that never froze (made for cub scouts)

Three batches of cookies that looked great, but tasted awful (never knew why)

A really dry Turkey for Thanksgiving one year…it was awful, one of my first.  I was cooking for 30 and only the vegetarians were happy.

What’s your best kitchen success?

OK, I had to add this one in.  Last year I cooked a BBQ and Dutch Oven dinner for 200+ people and we had to do it in the rain.  The dinner was in a local VFW post as a fund-raiser for our Cub Scout pack.  I volunteered when I thought it was about 60 people, but we invited another group to join us and suddenly the guest list exploded.  I was freaking out but it was so much fun.  I had 8 Dutch ovens going at the same time with chicken, potatoes and desert.  The moms brought salads and rolls and it came off wonderfully. 

This year I’m doing the dinner for our church Christmas Festival, but it’s not as much fun, just spiral cut hams from Costco.  J

Favorite kitchen gadget?

I love my Williams Sonoma roasting pans and my vegetable steamers.  My wife does great stuff in our crock pot, and I love my pressure cooker for quick and tender meats and I can do a ton of vegetables in one big pot.  I know there aren’t really gadgets, but I did splurge on a watermelon knife

What was your last meal? Did you like it?

Last night we had oven-baked boneless BBQ chicken with baked beans and a green salad.  I will be having the same for lunch in just a few minutes, and yes, it’s yummy, and very simple to make.

What’s your favorite cookie?

Hmmmm, so may to choose from.  The easy answer is a Tollhouse cookie with a little peanut butter blended in.  Snickerdoodles are nice as well as chocolate/mint/chip brownies (mouthgasm!!!).  My brother makes killer peanut butter cookies while mine tend to be a bit dry.  I love simple sugar cookies when they are over baked just enough to be really crispy.  I make great Texas Sheet Cake, and, if given a chance, will put green food coloring and mint in almost any frosting. 

And yes, I will be taking orders if you need a caterer for your next event.  If you are willing to fly me out, I will cook for you and make your mouth water.  Or, if you are in SoCal, let me know, and we’ll do lunch.

And, a double yes, I will be posting some of my favorites on the Great Cookie Exchange as listed below.

Instead of just telling us about your favorite cookie why don’t you share the recipe via The Great Cookie Exchange Extravaganza


————-
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

The Myth of Closure

Closure, for the most part, is a myth. When we seek for it from others, we rarely get it.  Last week I spoke of leaving Houston and the temptation of calling an old friend.  She meant a lot to me.  She made me smile, made me run, made my legs scream with the workouts she designed, but she also make me happy, she made me smile, she tempted me, she shared with me, and , I believe, we fell in love. 

So, she ended it.

Love is an awful thing at the wrong time or with the wrong person. 

Some say that you can’t control who you fall in love with, but that’s a lie too.  I felt my emotions growing and I knew where they would lead, but I kept calling her, answering her e-mails, her chats, her winks, her invitations to fly to Houston and run with her in the woods.  I went willingly every step of the way, and then it ended. 

It ended just as most relationships end.  They die of a fatal reality check in the form of a wife, a boyfriend, 800 miles, a job assignment in the wrong direction, and did I mention, a boyfriend and a wife?

Flashback to mistress #1.  Touching, flirting, cumming, kisses and caresses, and then the threat of a lawsuit and the cold shoulder from her inner-circle.  WTF?    A job transfer, an angry meeting, a formal letter, and it was done.

Flash further back.  Dating, first love, long letters during the summer and longer phone calls in the fall.  “I’ll be back soon” I promised, “the semester ends in May.”Her letter said that I needn’t bother hurrying.  His name was Paul and they were engaged. 

Then there was the architect, young, beautiful, smart, talented (I should have known then it would end badly for me).  Tentative dates, a first kiss, a comfort level and fleeting happiness.  Then the Jacuzzi.  Touches increasingly intimate, her full breasts in my hands, not a word spoken as her breathing changed for the first time, until the timer clicked and the bubbles stopped.  She looked down in the silence of the fall air and saw her bikini top floating across the spa, my hands holding her, no bubbles to hide the reality, no words to mask her guilt.  She stood, left, and never called. 

I got true closure only once, well documented here, she called me because she need a final moment as much as I did, but not all closure ends with a gasp and a grunt and a long tearful hug in the back of her VW. 

So why do we even seek this mythical moment?  What is magic about “closure?” A word thrown out as if it will make the hurt go away.  Love is messy, undefined, and open-ended in the best of case, but it ends with a thud, a scream, an attorney, and that’s it, the end. 

Movies lie.  There is no chance meeting on the street that fades, with the appropriate music, to a quiet coffee in the quaint bistro as the rain runs down antique glass with “O’Malley’s painted in gold.    There is no soft touch to the cheek as forgiveness is offered and accepted.  There is no final hug.   Sometimes you stand the grave of a relationship forever, knowing that it is dead, but hoping for one last visit from beyond.  It doesn’t happen.

The search for closure gets us off the hook.  It gives us an emotional out.  We tell ourselves that they don’t really hate us, still, they can’t, we just haven’t seen each other to say our mea culpas.  They can’t be ignoring my calls, their phone must be broken, or they are are out of cell coverage, or maybe they lost their way and are looking for us right now.

No, they are not.  This is just fantasy. 

She really does still hate me, you will get served if you go within 100 feet of her, and yes, she really does lover her husband and no, she’s not going to leave him, ever.  EVER.

We seek closure so we can sleep at night, so we can tell ourselves that we weren’t an ass to her, that he doesn’t love another, or that she didn’t lose our number, she deleted it and then emptied the recycle bin and then ran de-frag to scour the place where our number used to be like a virus in her mind.

We don’t get closure.  People leave, they die, the walk way without that final moment that plays out in our heads.  But don’t despair, every story has a cliff hanger, every mystery has suspense, it’s part of the plot.

As a man thinketh...

⁷For as he thinketh in his heart, so [is] he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart [is] not with thee.

So, if this is true, why am I not taller with a great big cock?  Or, why am I not turning into a hot lesbian, since I think abou them so much.

Thre is a growing disparity, discussed often, between my in-person life and my on-line life.  At some point the rift has to be healed or it will split completely and the schism in my life will be a angry break from how the world knows me.

A friend of mine said, what most men feel, that he has few, or no, friends to turn to when serious matters are on the line.  He has friends to talk football, but few to discuss death.  I would wager that most men have dual lives, even if both are innocent of the sins I have comitted.  We have a public, strong, competent facade as expected, but inside we have doubts, worries, girlfriends, obsessions, addictions, needs, hopes, dreams, desires that are not allowed to be expressed.

We have a growing  disconnect between the thoughts we have and the words we are allowed to say.  Imagine the backlash if we began to speak honestly:

• Honey, I'm no longer attracted to you because you've gained weight and turned into a shrew.
• I hate my job and am serious about doing something totally different, and yes, we will make less money.
• The kids drive me crazy and I need more time away from them.
• And you too
• And I'm thinking of getting a mistress because you won't have sex with me any more.
• I hate owning a yard, i hate mowing the grass, and i really hate talking to your brother about his lawn
• It doesn't bother me if our kids mastrubate, in fact, i think they should.
• I no longer share your faith in god, people, the PTA or the Zodiac.
• Your sister is an idiot.
• You have become so fearful that being near you is depressing.
• I might want to leave.

We have so many unspoken words in our head that we lose sight of what is real and what is internal narrative.  We become afraid of speaking our mind because our mind is full of things we can not say.

For as a man thinkith in his heart, so is he....

So what am I?

I'll let others answer that, the list in my head is very unflattering.

Sister Mary and Sister Alice attempt to bring
some levity to yet another overwrought
blogpost by Advizor.

Switch Computers.

It was a simple instruction.

The computer in the kitchen didn't have a camera.

Her laptop did

It was a simple choice.

All she had to do was move

And answer

I waited.
And Waited

Three days later she answered.

It was well worth the wait.

FFF - Resigned



Resigned
86-136



The Cat
She couldn’t stop giggling. 

"I told you not to go to a cut-rate Fairey! And from Durbansville Pond of all places. Don’t you know that place is directly downstream from an iron mill?  Iron wreaks havoc on our magik, only thing worse is coal, dontcha know?"

“Well,” another giggle escaped her lips, "since you are one now, maybe I’ll give you a taste of mine, and we’ll compare, and maybe your fate isn't so bad.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“The problem,” he said, with resignation in his voice, “is that the world is populated by stupid people; fundamentally flawed individuals who take no heed of good advice.”

She nodded her head in assent and scratched him behind the ears.

“They fight wars of misguided faith so they can take over another man’s dirt upon which they will die.”

“Didn’t you put us here?” she crossed her legs coyly, teasing him.

“My only real mistake,” the haloed cat leapt up into her lap, “was not making more people like you.”

She laughed and put him on her shoulders and walked into the house.  “So tell me Jesus, why did you come back as a cat?”

“Well, you saw what happened last time and,” he stretched and extended his claws, “I really like having my belly rubbed.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's funny how images play around in our head until they are ready to settle down and land on the page.  I think this picture is adorable.  Though not obviously "sexy," it had potential and put me in a light-hearted mood as I let it bounce around my head.  Last night, as the house was shutting down, a voice entered my head, an old voice, the voice of Ed Asner's grumpy brother.  "The problem is," the voice started to say, "is that the world is populated with stupid people."  In my head the voice was in a big executive chair, spinning around to adress the poor reporter who dared ask him a question.  The old man, near retirement,  was done beign nice and decided to tell it how it is. 

I popped open my laptop and started to think about the scene when today's picture came to mine and I decided to give the lines and the attitude to someone of a higher authority.

Have a great Friday, and a wonderful weekend!!

And, as we say every week, head over to Panser's place and see who else joined in.


(It's so funny, in looking at the comments and rereading the post, I saw two HUGE typo's that escaped my attention.  I really need to be more careful.)

FFF will be late.

I love the picture, it's so cute, but I haven't had a minute to write about it this week.

So check back later and we'll see what I can come up with. 

Good news that sounds bad

Yesterday I mentioned that today's post would sound like bad news when it is really good news. 

I had a long, and interesting post, about my job history and my life and about how, on December 31, 2011, I'm losing my job in a company layoff.  But as I read it I realized that it was way to specific about jobs, locations, duties, uniforms, and it felt like if ANYONE who every knew me for a little while would know that it was me.  Silly, right?

None of my good church-going friends would read a blog like, mine, but still, it felt very exposed so I pulled it out of the schedule and now you are reading this one.

On December 31, 2011, I'm losing my job in a company layoff.   Seriously, it's the best possible outcome.

I've been bored senseless in my job lately.  Repetitive audits, boring software design, people who don't care, an absentee boss who teaches me nothing.  It all adds up to the blahs.  I should have quit 2 years ago.  I should have pulled the plug on my dead-end job and moved on, but I didn't and that's OK, because now I get a severance package that will care for me while I get a new job. 

I know that a lot of people are struggling with employment issues right now.  I feel incredibly lucky to be moving on the way I am.  I am lucking for something new, a different way to use my skills than just keeping the computers running and making the auditors happy. I'm looking for a creative company that does interesting things and wants to pay me a lot of money to do it.

The only down side is that if I actually have to work in this new job, then it will seriously cut in to my blogging and chat time.  Do you think I can negotiate that into my new contract?

for my headstone

 

 

Just put it on file for later.
#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

All day long I've been trying to get an addendum to this post written.  I've talked to two friends about it and I'm still not capturing the exact idea, but I'll try.

I found this cheery little graphic months ago, probably on Tumblr, and tucked it away.  Last week, on the road and feeling a little blue, I posted it up and moved on, forgetting, until this morning, that it was about to post.  I thought about taking it down because today I'm in a great mood and was from the moment I woke up, so why bring everyone down, right? 

I left it up because it is a part of the story.  If blogging is my journal and my soapbox, I have to let it stand on it's own and reveal a little of the ups and downs I go through.  Not every day is all lubes and whips in Sexland.  In fact,  most days are work and commute in Suckville, right? 

The other part of the thoughts rattling in my head is the idea of transperancy in blogging.  I've made no secret that I have lots of friends on line, some are chat friends, some are on a more intimate basis, some just make me laugh, and the best ones do all this and more.  One of those friends brought me down the other day, nothing malicious, just a comment and a ...well, it's just one of those little things that made reality suck a little more and my fantasy fade a little faster.  This moment, much more seriously and well told can be found here, and that's maybe why it was on my mind. 

And, as a caveat, none of this is about you (you know who you are), neither is it about you (the people who don't think it may be about them, but might be, not this time, but another time).  And here in lies the problem.  I don't want to write caveats, or warning e-mails ("Don't read tomorrow's post until you remember the thing I said last Sunday) or hide my relationships (yes, i know I said that, but you didn't understand, I know, she's always been my friend), nor do I want to have to apologize for speaking my mind (You know how I felt, you know I blog, hell, we met through the blog, I'm not going to stop....) 

So, how do you blog with a little bit of honesty (emotionally at least) while trying to keep the peace with multiple friends, without having to shade every post and self-censor each line tha tmight be mis-read by another blogger, since we all read each other and we all think everything is about us? 

BTW - I have a whole different post about jealosy that I don't have time to get in to, but I think the Internet is redefining it for me.

Agh, I new this wouldn't come out right.  So I'll summarize. 

• I posted today's picture because I'm sad over one relationship, while wildly happy about others. 
• It's not about you, usually.
• I need to share somethings without making a big deal over other things. 
• While I love you all dearly, everyone is, eventually, trumped by someone else, and yes, i know you all talk to other people too, but that doesn't meant that I like it, and as hypocritical as that sounds.

And, just let me say, tomorrow's post may sound like it has bad news, it has, in fact, very good news.

TMI Tuesday: Formspring? What's that?

I will admit to not knowing what "FromSpring" really is except a way to imbed an "Ask Me" box on your blog.  I am a Formspring neophyte and such, don't have a lot to say, except, that I love getting questions.  There are very few I won't answer.  And if you do ask a question I won't answer, I will tell you instead of lie to you.  So, with that frail introduction, let's get into the quesions....


Today’s TMI Tuesday consist of Formspring questions pulled from around the Web. The NY Times called Formspring “An E-vite to Insults and Crude Queries.” I admit, I pulled the tame, less crude questions.

1. What is your favorite type of weather?

This is easy, because I’m not going to pick just one.

For running – A light fog on a ‘not quite chilly’ fall morning

For skiing (snow) – either heavy fog for cutting through deep powder and tall trees with Pink Floyd on my headphones, or 40 degrees, sunny, with LOTS of sunscreen and wide open runs.

For reading –Cold and rainy curled up in my living room

For childhood sleep outs – Thunderstorms that rock the valley and put on a lightening display over the lake.  We slept on discarded mattresses under the patio cover

For fashion – The first 2 weeks of warm spring weather when heavy coats melt away and mini-shirts and short shorts take control.\

For me? – I love the fall because I look great in boots, jeans, and a flannel shirt.

2. How do you sustain the motivation and energy needed to write erotica regularly?

I don’t.  My blog started off as a sex blog, but now it’s more vague, more spur of the moment, and, since most of the sex I get is web-based, it’s not up for discussion.  I used to edit and post my chats, but I haven’t done that for a while.  I hate to admit it, but I’m a sex-blogger who doesn’t write much about sex, which makes me just a blogger, and we know that most bloggers are self-absorbed douche bags.  You do the math.

3. Do you like role-play? What is your favorite scenario?

My wife has never been able to get past the sense of silliness so we never get in to it.  She also hates the idea of me fantasizing about other women, so to play the “other woman” freaks her out a bit.

If I could play that way, I like the “stranger in the street” scenario, and the “late night at the gym.”  If there are costumes involved, we could go for cheerleader and coach, priest and supplicant, or Moose and Squirrel.

4. Have you ever been hurt so badly in a past relationship, that it has affected you for the rest of your life?

LOL….. ROFL….ROFLMAO……  what a silly question. 

Um, Yes. I have been hurt in relationships that have an ongoing affect/effect on my life. Where to begin?

Grandma and Grandpa used me in Satanic rituals related to disco music.

Mom sold me at 5, dad won me back in a poker game 2 years later.

My brothers and sisters used to play naked games in which I took part

My first girlfriend told her little sister to tell my younger brother that she hated me.

After 6 years of being held captive in the basement, my older brother snapped and dressed me up as his bride and the dog as a preacher.  It was a legal marriage in Kentucky.

My mom and dad didn’t talk to each other for several years and didn’t share a bedroom after my 12^th birthday until the day she died.  I’m 47.

My high school sweetheart dumped me before graduation so she could mingle in the summer.

Oh, the list is long, and each little bit of pain builds up like plaque in the arteries until one day a vein bursts and everything turns to shit.  But hey, it’s not like I’m cynical or anything.

5. What message would you want to put in a fortune cookie?
            “Chinese food is made of kittens”
            “The man who handed this to you is an assassin, RUN!”
            “See other side for great riches” – on the other side “1-800-Get-A-JOB”

6. How big is your dick?

It varies between “Oh shit, that was good!” and “Hey, the water was really really cold”

Bonus:  I would like to know, do you have Formspring on your blog? Why or why not?

No, because until this TMI, I never really thought about it. 

Bonus, bonus: What is the best or oddest formspring question you’ve been asked? What was your answer?

Since I don’t have FormSpring, I’ll remember back to the rudest question.

My building security guard at work asked me, “If you work out all the time at the gym, why are you still…..”  He didn’t have the balls to finish the question, so I did it for him, “…FAT”

He stammered like the idiot he is, and tried to apologize.  I told him to ask his boss the same question since we worked out together….  More stammering, I think the idiot almost peed himself. 

Maybe I’ll add a question and answer spot to the blog.  I like questions, I and love making up the answers.

————-
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

A stolen phrase

The cold wind blows summer into memory and piles of leaves swirl and surround my feet.

My jacket covers your shoulders as we leave the restaurant,
despite your protestations that summer is not done.

Pumpkins turn in to Jack-O-Lanterns and green leaves fade to golden valleys
swarming with apple pickers and picnic baskets.

The seasons have changed, and so have you.

Swimming and bike trails give way to sit-up and DVDs in front of the TV

The couch calls louder while running shoes cry lonely tears in the closet. 

Energy, once burned off in summer sun, ruminates and builds beneath the skin.

It tingles and boils in parts inconvenient.

Work clothes itch by day’s end and are shed en-route home.

Car heaters crank up and warm
even as skin is exposed and needs are suppressed.

Thoughts of him, and release, and bed, push out the frenetic summer and long for the comforts of his arms.

His number appears and you answer too quickly, and I raise my eyebrow.

Instructions are quietly given, gratitude expressed, and the line cut in eagerness.

You open the windows and plug in the blanket, knowing I will be leaving soon.

Water runs, steams, heats and steams more. 

You stand at the water’s edge and wait in strict obedience, already wet in the creases.

As I drive to work, leaving you to him.

Late night clips...

I like the start of this one, then it gets louder, and then, well, turn your speakers down...
http://www.redtube.com/49268

OK, this one has it all, "high school" kids who look like they are 30, a nonsensical "plot" a running nerd, a woman who answers her door in her lingerie while wearing a tiara!!!! and really bad saxophone musice.

Rougher than usual for me, but change is good, right?
http://www.redtube.com/69678

In case you were wondering
http://sapioslut.com/2011/07/06/you-are-a-bad-person-for-having-these-fantasies/

Be patient, this one has a great payoff  http://www.redtube.com/21743

I know this is a repeat, sue me.
http://www.redtube.com/36941

This one is too
Boy, do I love sub-titles

Don't mess with a man's phone....
another redhead takes it rough

A gentle one
http://www.redtube.com/86777

Things to think about

Just some pictures

We didn't have an FFF picture this week since Panser facing more problems at home. 

We wish him the best and hope he comes back to us soon.

So instead of writing a story about a picture, I thought I'd put up some pictures of my own.

When I get my new camera, I mean, phone, I want it to get better pictures.... 

So, put one  up for filler posts and camera phones!

OK, this posted at 11/11/11 @ 11:10 AM. 

'Cause blogger is going to crash cause we all think posting

at 11/11/11 @ 11:11 AM would be cool