Some people have husbands that aren't interested, others have spouses that are cheating, or they are cheating themselves, some want spankings while others want intimacy. Some want bondage and leather, while others want variety and group involvement. The disjointed relationships make for interesting reading but they all point to our inability to honestly deal with the topic. How nice it would be to bring up sexuality as we drive down the road or go shopping or chat over the phone during work.
"Honey, I enjoyed the sex last night, but I didn't cum and I want to take more time for myself tonight. Maybe we could fuck after dropping the girls off at the church dance."
"Dear, how about we talk to the Andersons and see if they'd like to have sex with us next weekend. I know you enjoy working with her in the PTA."
"Janice, I've noticed you looking bored during sex, how about some new toys or some pain play, and oh, yes, your Mom called and she's coming over for dinner on Sunday."
Instead we get so uptight, we deny that it's important, we pull back and censor ourselves again and again. One of the reasons yesterday was so good for me was that I held my ground and asked for outdoor sex. most of the time we hide our needs, we close our mouths and we put up with less than we want.
I want to be able to talk about sex with my friends from church without being labeled a pervert. I want to understand the challenges that Mike and Daryl and Tony are facing withing them thinking I want to fuck them or their wives (even though Mike's wife is on the list). I want parents and teachers and doctors to be able to say what needs to be said.
My wife and I struggle with this like most couples, but we are getting better. I want her to express her desire more freely, and I want to be able to ask for things without being judged. I don't expect her to agree to every request, but the conversation itself shouldn't be taboo.
"Dear, a few years ago we had anal and you came really hard and I loved the experience, can we try it again?" Why is the question itself off-limits?
"You know I like it when you play with my nipples, I want you to be rougher with me, don't be afraid, I'll tell you if it's too much."
"Yes, I want to tie you to the headboard, the thought arouses me a great deal."
We need to be able to talk!!
This was all sparked by a great article that I've linked to below. I think you'll enjoy it.
http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/27/why-i-orgasmed-in-an-mri-scanner/?hpt=hp_c2
How can the study of human sexuality be considered useless? This is something that is prevalent in each and every one of our lives. When we’re not having sex, we’re talking about it. When we’re not talking about it, we’re thinking about it. And when we’re not thinking about it, we worry that something is wrong with us.
Sex is a primary source of human motivation and can change the way we act and the way we feel in quite dramatic ways. And this isn’t something that occurs solely in the privacy of our bedrooms: You see sex at play in advertising and marketing, in problems in the work place, in self-esteem and identity, in pleasure and reward, and also in the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.
12 comments:
I do think that part of the reason there is a Taboo about sex talk, is the worry that it will become banal. I think I'd just roll my eyes if my husband talked about sex like the grocery list.
But apart from that you've made excellent points. Communication is key.
But isn't talking about sex while doing the shopping sexy too? You find a nice cucumber, or some melons, or even olive oil and pistachios and suddenly an idea is born.
I don't want sex talk to be boring, but I think more sexual discussions (and not critiques of performance) would be helpful for most couples.
One thing that I think is ironic is tat we can talk to potential lovers like that but not our actual spouses. Fear of rejection?
We fear rejection from our spouses because we are stuck with them and if things go weird then that weirdness lingers.
With a lover they know we are looking for something new, and, if they displease us, we just cut them loose. Options = boldness.
I've come to the conclusion that in my new phase of life sex is more than important - it's vital. I won't go back to not having a good sex life, so for me it's a deal breaker. There's wiggle room and situations are always changing...I'm not going to get 100% of what I want. But I'm satisfied that my marriage is in a place to be able to discuss every wish, every new idea without fear of criticism. Rejection still hurts when things don't work out, but I look at what I still have that others might only hope for and it's awesome.
Thanks for the reminder.
Freya, your fearless nature is what makes you such a wonderful blogger and friend.
And to others, go read her post from today, it's great.
http://creatingsomethingbetter.blogspot.com/2012/01/dirty.html
Great post and I completely agree!
For me, it's as vital as the air I breathe.
I think the way we position sex as taboo stems from a variety of complex reasons - it brings the body, in all its nakedness, vulnerability and even its transgression into the (everyday) light. For some, this presses the most suppressed of buttons.
In the end, I couldn't agree more. But for me, the conversion needs to tap into my deepest desires - as well as his. As such, the exchange will shift from sultry and sensual whisperings to pure unadulterated filth. And that is never a bad - or a matter of fact - thing.
Great post, A...
It has taken me awhile but I have gotten so much more comfortable with my body. I urge my husband often now to tell me or show me what he wants and he is responding with enthusiasm. I can't imagine living without a satisfying sex life. I enjoy talking about sex, new toys, etc, with my husband but I don't feel the need to discuss it with anyone I know.
Holly - I thought you might appreciate the sentiment.
CM - Getting past the suppressive nature of religion, western culture, and social pressures to "be nice", tapping in to these deep needs exposes our relationships at a fundamental level. It kills me to look at my wife and fear that, as a core response, she does not find me lust-worthy. Do I forever live with this idea, or do I find a better fit? It shakes our confidence because we have hidden the mismatch for so long. Thanks for commenting.
Petunia - I'm glad your husband is "responding with enthusiasm." That is encouraging to hear. I'm very happy for you.
To all - I've said this before, but looking at my list of commenters/commentors/those who/whom leave comments I am humbled that my favorite bloggers have dropped by. You all make my life better for being in it.
[I have to cover my bases, the grammar police are welcome but watching.] Can I end a sentence with "it"? There, I've done it again.
You're absolutely right, we are not able to open up about sex because everyone has set different limits and different norms so it becomes a guessing game to know where those limits lay. We give up before we try lest we be labelled negatively. It's a very sad thing.
There are days that I think talking about politics is easier than sex. I'm a lusty older woman and I wear out Wolf who is 4 years younger than me. The very best thing though about our relationship compared to that with my ex is that we TALK!!! About anything.
A couple of months ago, I expressed a wish to understand why my dear friend Nilla likes to be spanked. Did Wolf flinch? No, We talked about it and then we played around. My ass was sore, but I understood.
I really get frustrated with the uptight societies that inhibits people being who they are on any level. I went through far too much of my life unable to talk about the fact that I was poly and bi. It shouldn't be like that. Sex is far too much fun to be a taboo subject. Tell Mrs. Grundy to go to hell!
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